DEAR DIARY

7:54 am[28th june , 2022]

You got to weep this out and weep for days maybe . you love him immensely and it shows that it was never a lie. It starts sometimes at nights, sometimes before the morning break out , sometimes in b/w the noon . sometimes near the evening . I don`t know about the other 1000 things but why love don`t suffice the business? Why love couldn`t , sometimes I feel strong to not feel a thing and sometimes I feel so strong for being vulnerable . The distance makes me demise and the future forebearing make me doubt what would I even do? Why all my face is filled with tears and why my eyes looks so vacant of happiness. Why I feel all my purposes are lost and my life I dismantled. It sometimes I feel I needed to lose you to love me back but I ain`t sure, none of us is , ig .

The punishment one gets to behold the true version of themselves and tell everything to the other person is falling apart and yes maybe in a way in which they can`t twich back again . we often read quotes or see influencers influencing us in anyway or everyway on ig or youtube telling there breakup stories and how they overcome there breakup , but how could you combat someone , who you love like ? is unloving that easy or the purpose of loving not losing but winning. I agree sometimes it seems things are unfixable , in life, career, studies , family ,and even in romantic relationship and we gave the idea of giving up but just for a second , don`t we work and make our life, career and other thing better , now don`t come up with an ans yeah we would do it with our love life also but with different person but does we change our life when we feel it is not worth leaving. Why are we too afraid to understand others and sink in their point of view for the cause of inclusivity and assimilation in a relationship as we do in other places of our lives. Still if this has ended or would end after few months or maybe never( that would only happen , if you both would learn to become carpet for each other and understand each other emotionally more , like really in between the depths where no one else can even look , you got to feel each other and resonate , for the sake of yourselves) . 

Just another question for the end , could you really unlove someone? Whom you loved like hell and when you love in the odds when the things were not all well, how could you unlove them when things are well off. I see myself 1.5 half years before and see that how broken I was, not even broken , but probably shackled  into pieces , minutes of trigger chambers buried underneath me and then I loved him completely , like with every inch underneath me. Now how could I teach my every inch to unlove him, how? If love was that easy to forgotten with good people like him , It won`t be called love but would be a matter of time , it was my all matter of time . To the people and to the world who think that I am not emotional and I feel nothing rather than my work, yes maybe I work a lot at times because I see how futile I would be in the age of 22 sitting in my house when I had the opportunity to take a good job and lessen or maybe unease the burden of my parents, but still I am not fatal that I got no feeling at all. I am highly prone to emotions , emotions like love , intensely . yes, I don`t hate anyone , because I think hate is a strong world and whenever I feel like saying It means “ I hate you for what you said because it make me feel like you know me so well as a person and you exactly the same thing that behold within it the power to make me annoyed

  But still annoyed in a way where I fall in love with you more and more “ 

With days and time , I came to realise , that if I got not even my few relations good, I don`t feel like working towards my goal ,cause this is the mere reason that make me push myself on the days I don`t want to push myself. I want to make them so proud, but not the world who are the unknown to you even when they are your acquantances and when you succeed , they are your best friends and sometimes even want to establish there relation with you.it might look odd to you maybe , but let me say this , but I realised that I I got my pen to write, books to read what I like and one single person to hold me back , I can live , really I can . reading and writing are the two most basic things that make me feel powerful in a way that nobody else did and love is the only thing that make me sleep at nights. Definitely to the outer world it might seems that I want to do this and that and earn a lot of money and fame and for which I am doing it, but if after that I am not able to write and read and find love, I can stop my preparation today , cause I know happiness doesn`t come from these things , it comes from  things that make you feel like a human . I want to be an ias for my parents, but I am studying these things , because I love studying, that`s it. If someone would ask me today what all you wish for , I would say write poems , wander in the fields, read more , understand life a bit more and maybe become a writer, but careers like these are not financially secure and that is the reason that I don`t want to put my parents in trouble. But I hope someone would get me that out of the hold when your parents have done so much for you , you know that how important it becomes for you as a child to sacrifice, yes some might don`t want to do it , they got the power to do what they really want. But studying ain`t a burden and these subjects really not .so why not make my parents happy and sacrifice a chunk a years to get into this good post and then follow my passion .