KILL ME , FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL

KILL ME , FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL

Would you kill me the morning I shouted on you? 

Or would you give me sleeping pills ? 

I mean , would you still stuck up tear wholes in the garden of my rose,

Disgusted by my feelings in the bathroom shower 

While I wet my soul , 

When I shampoo my hair,

But I try to clean the marks on my body, 

as I feel like a whore. 

Why you touched me there ?

When you have to leave me emotionally alone ?

My skin feels teared apart,

And my heart is wrenched,

Bleak spaces in my mind , in between my ears,

When I weep in the air , where I explode,

Stuck on my bed, flucked around my neck,

Painted on my nails, I choose to wear the ring of your name . 

In the pool of disgusted, I am drowning my soul,

Look I am down, I can`t breathe the air , anymore,

I was never a poet before, you made me one for sure,

Now all I do for living is write, the most saddest proses of this time,

Like my brain is hammered, and my heart is not alive,

As my ears , don`t hear , except the voices of those ghosts,

Why are we all sad? Intrinsically , 

Like all we wanted to be is dead, so impatiently.

Nothing gives me pleasure, I am only 21 seizure ,

Loving you makes me mad, 

So I send you poems that I write for you , every now and then’,

But you read none of them, with the same interest,’

You should have killed me the evening when I was upset with you, 

So I could never be upset with you. 

You should have killed me when I was annoying,

So I could no more annoy . 

Take the disparity out of my body,

So when I sit down to write another poem,

I am happy again,

But I cannot write a poem,

When I am happy ,

But I even don`t remember,

When I was last happy . 

You made me feel so unwanted ,

So alone , so ingenuine , so shameful ,

Like I had a spot to find ,

So I could hide myself and cry myself to sleep

And never wake up again, like ever

I was pathetic , to give you advice,

To insist you to take my life,

To guide you to find a new wife ,

So I burnt myself last night .

But why should I live?

When I find no meaning in this,

And all I ever wanted to do Is , attempt suicide ,

To end this pain, to anticipate ,to annihilate,

Beat me up to death, and put me in the graveyard, instead .

Before I die completely, 

feed me death emotionally ,

in small portions of regret , 

take away my left will to be alive ,

screw my soul, manipulate my mind, 

break my heart ,punch my face , 

 so I could collapse , so I could rest ,

rest in peace , rest and seize ,

that life all lived is locked, 

in the fears to be unloved and to be uncared ,

and I have faced all of them .

but none of them killed me,

or took my soul out of that body,

that is a sheer realization , 

of what my mother advised me once, 

don`t go insane , don`t go mad,

 don`t kill yourself , don`t trust men ,

don`t be so cruel with your existence , 

that you let anyone subdue your identity , for less,

but why do I feel like dying ?

every other day instead,

why do I write , 

poetries of extreme sadness,

why do I act , 

like I have figured my self ,

maybe because I am genuinely exhausted and alone ,

and maybe because I seek rest .

I battled suicide ,

My will to die,’

My will to end my life”

Wasted on the floor, 

If only could sleep take up my life, 

I could be a little less exhausted in the after life. 

Leeza ~